Don't Feed the Bugbear - Get Over Your Fears

With Halloween approaching and Halloween decorations everywhere, I am reminded of a fear I have. While I can watch zombie movies and sleep like a baby, I have a hard time with haunted houses. I'm pretty sure this was because I was lost in one as a kid (or at least it felt that way). I think I was 8 years old. I had taken about five steps into the haunted house and barely turned a corner when I became so frightened that I turned around and ran out of the front door.

Every year I ask myself if my feelings about haunted houses are worth overcoming. And, every year I tell myself that it is a good thing that I'm afraid of people jumping out at me in the dark...this is healthy. But, I still wonder if I should try to get over it.

Fears and phobias are strange things and can develop overnight. Normal fears can actually be healthy and help protect you from danger. Phobias, on the other hand, generally are not and are often excessive, irrational, and get in the way of normal living. I once met a guy who had a phobia of possums. One time he saw a dead one on the side of the road and he became violently ill and nearly drove off the road. He avoided driving that stretch of road for weeks afterward, even when it meant taking a longer route to his destination. The article, Differences Between Fear and Phobia Responses, talks more about these two things.

For this post, I'm going to talk about fears. I'm certainly no stranger to developing a sudden fear. I think we all know someone who wasn't afraid of heights as a kid and is now. One day, out of the blue, I found myself afraid of flying. Because I love to travel, I knew there was no way that I was ever going to stop flying. I also didn't want this fear to take over. I had read in a Forbes article by Tara Swart called The 4 Underlying Principles of Changing Your Brain, that you can rewire your brain with continued practice of new behaviors. This means that you can reinforce bad behaviors too if you don't do something about them.

Here are some things that have helped me gain control over my emotions and fears. I've noticed that the more senses I engage, the faster and easier it is for me to get to that peaceful place.

Challenge Yourself (AKA Don't Feed the Bugbear)

Face your fear, a little at a time, step-by-step. The book, Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, says to approach overcoming a fear with small, doable steps. In the book, they use the example of overcoming a fear of snakes. You start by touching the door of a room containing a terrarium with a snake. Once you are comfortable with that, you open the door and just look into the room. Once comfortable with that, you step into the room with someone, arm in arm, and so on. The key is to practice each step and get comfortable with it before moving onto the next step. You stop feeding your bugbear. Just a side note, I have found the principles in this book extremely helpful in helping me stop overeating.

Breathe Deeply and Slowly

If my heart is beating rapidly, I slow it down by counting to 10 as I breathe in and then again as I breathe out. Use whatever number works for you to help get your heart rate under control.

Think Positive Thoughts

In the book, Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, he says that people have two primal urges: to feel safe and secure, and to feel in control. This is important because I've noticed that my fears actually do break down into one of these urges, if not both. So, when fear strikes, I acknowledge the fear and then repeat a mantra that counteracts the basic feeling. For example, when I fly, I tell myself that I am safe and that the pilots are in control (in other words, I can trust them and let go of being in control). I have friends who use positive words or affirmations, bible verses, and even a single word, for example, love. I find combining this with deep breathing is powerful and calms me faster than just breathing alone.

Listen to Something Uplifting

Engage your ears in helping you overcome your fear. Listen to something that lifts you up and makes you feel good. There are plenty of comedic or positive podcasts out there that can help get you out of a funk. Have music on your phone or some other device that you can easily access. Because we have a very old car that doesn't have all the technology of the newer cars, I recently got a small Bluetooth speaker that I can connect to my phone to play music and podcasts while driving.

Smell Something Delicious

Scents actually help our brains remember emotional details about memories, according to the book Brain Rules: 12 principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School by John Medina. This is why I am a huge fan of incorporating scents while trying to change my ways, remember something, or change my mood. I use scented candles, diffusers, and essential oil burners, and I've even gone to coffee shops and bakeries (even though I'm gluten-free) to enjoy the smells. In my car, I have a diffuser that clips onto my air vent to make driving in rush-hour feel less frenzied. I've had peppermint going for a while and now I'm on to a pumpkin-spicey scent. You can even buy jewelry that absorbs essential oils so you can take your favorite scents with you.

Do Something Vigorous

There is nothing like doing a high-power exercise to take your mind off your worries. Have you ever tried to hold on to a problem while going for a run or doing an aerobics class? Impossible...like 6-inch ribbon curls (quote from the movie Elf.)

Laugh

Ok, this is going to sound funny. But, I once saw something on TV about a laughing club in China. People get together in parks and just laugh. If you are ever in a situation where you are not in the mood to laugh and everyone else is laughing, just fake it and keep laughing. At some point, your fake goat laugh will turn into genuine laughter. Try it. One time I was in the back seat of a little, single-engine prop plane, with my sister. During the takeoff, I started laughing (out of nervousness) and then eventually I was full out belly laughing. I still remember her looking at me strangely asking me if I was ok. Ha! After the laughter outburst, I was able to relax and enjoy the flight all the while feeling happy. See Laughing Yoga for more information.

Unplug From Negativity

The world is full of troubles and negative people. Unplug from them. Unplug from media. I've noticed that my fears increase when I feel helpless, and I sometimes feel helpless when I listen to the news or read it online. One way to counteract this is to listen to things that lift you up, be around positive people, and unplug altogether. Ahhhhhh, peace.

Get Professional Help

If you really want to get over a fear and can't seem to do it on your own, get help from a professional. This is the bravest thing anyone can do.

So, if you made it this far and are wondering what I decided to do about confronting my fear of haunted houses, well, I just heard on the radio that there are touch and non-touch haunted houses. Yay! I think my goal will be to try a non-touch haunted house. I'll start off with finding one. Next, I'll stand outside of it in the parking lot until I feel comfortable. After that, I'll go in slowly hiding behind Karl, maybe even on his back if he'll let me. Of course, every step of the way I'll be breathing deeply, telling myself that I'm safe, and laughing hysterically and uncontrollably. I might just spook a few people of my own.